- Create a ritual of care for yourself. Listen to music, pray, take five minutes in silence, practice deep breathing, whatever you need to do to mentally prepare your mind, heart, and energy to be present with another person before you meet with them.
- Be empathetic: simply let them know you hear them. Make simple observations. Ask good questions only to the extent that helps them reflect on their feelings and feel heard. (See handouts on many more tips on active listening.)
- Slow down, because there’s a whole story behind every paragraph that a person says and the key is for us to slow down enough to get to them. Often we move too quickly through the conversation due to our own anxiety and desire to fix someone and move on. Notice this in yourself, fiddle with your hands under the table if you need to or have a drink to hold, breathe deeply, and stay present in your own body as you listen.
- If you begin to feel too emotionally invested or you are just too tired to take on another’s emotions right now, try thinking of a mirror in front of yourself or of a waterfall going over you as they share. These are examples of the tools you can use so you won’t go too deep with your empathy and exhaust your emotional capacity. (See the Brene Brown video on empathy versus sympathy to help illustrate.)
- Ask how can I be supportive to you right now? Don’t supply an answer for them. You may be surprised how often the response is simply that they would like for you to pray with/for them. Your primary ministry is always a ministry of presence. The goal with pastoral care is to build different points of trust with people in small contained ways so they can find us to be responsible and dependable so they can come to God through our trust.
- What makes the conversation pastoral? It’s a conversation that sets the table to open up ultimate meaning in relationship with ourselves, others, and God. Listen for the spiritual behind the words they are sharing. They are talking to you, whether they realize it or not, because you represent a spiritual connection to the divine. Listen and ask questions to try to uncover their beliefs around God, their values, where they find ultimate meaning in their lives and in the particular circumstances they are sharing. The question is how do we live into an experience with God that is offered to us for free in grace and forgiveness?
- Recognize the assumptions, emotions, beliefs, experiences, etc. you bring with you into the conversation and be slow to judge the other person and yourself. The words we share with each other aren’t just words, we have different assumptions about meanings, different sets of experiences, relationships and images we attach to those words. You’re not preaching but you are embodying the Word in relationship.
- Ask them for their hoped for solution. (Ultimately, what does a flourishing life look like for them?) If they don’t have an answer, then don’t supply solutions. They have to come up with their own solutions if they are actually going to follow them. Whatever they suggest as a solution, ask yourself “How can I make this sustainable?” Ask things like “Who in your life can do this for/with you?”
- If they have no one, then express empathy. “I’m so sorry. That must be hard. How about then a therapist, a small group, a risk to get to know someone new?” Remember that throughout the gospels, Jesus counseled many people who were marginalized in society, there was a true sense of getting to know people and what they were about. But his concern always had a focus on bringing people into community in society.
- Boundaries are good. Remember people respond well to boundaries. If someone truly feels they have no one but you (worst case scenario) then let them know you’ll take them through the next few weeks and that relying on you is a building block.”I can meet with you two more times over the next few weeks to help you find a more sustainable solution, but I won’t be able to always be that person for you.”
- Here’s language to help set the boundary above: “I would love to be there for you, but this is my fear. My fear is that I have 7 meetings a week already and several other folks I meet with and I would be so sad if you reached out to me and I couldn’t respond to you for a few days. I don’t want that to ever happen to you. So let’s get you plugged into a small group, reaching out to that friend you mentioned, etc.” An important part of your own self care and your leadership is cultivating a network of social workers, therapists, lay leaders, etc. you can turn to in these occurrences.
- Leave with clear steps laid out and follow through on your commitments to those steps according to the time limit you set. “I have meetings all day today and tomorrow, so I won’t be able to email you to connect you with this other person until two days from now.” “I’ll reach out to this other person first, and if they give me permission, I’ll connect the two of you. If you don’t hear from me in a week, you can email me and we’ll find another solution together.” “Fridays are my Sabbath day, the time I spend with my family, so if you need me and it’s not an emergency, just know I won’t respond until Saturday.”
- Have a self-care closing ritual, just as when you began. Take a walk, call a friend, journal, listen to music, sit and pray. Do what you need to do to release any emotions you are holding on to. Reflect on what you said, learn from it, take notes if you need to, and release it. No conversation is perfect. You are not perfect. You have NO IDEA how the other person heard what you said. Trust that God was present in the conversation and your Lord knows what the other person needs. Trust that their God will provide for them whether it comes from your community or from another. You are only available to partner with God to the extent that you are able to care for yourself as you care for another.
A basic definition of pastoral care
Pastoral care is individuals in community inspired by the Spirit of God to offer care as ministry, as social action, empowerment, and as personal interaction to alleviate anxieties arising in the context of ultimate meaning and concern. Our humanity can be empowerment to the other person. We become the embodiment that conveys God to others.
Sources for this document
Elisa Duger LMFT
Dr. Suzanne Coyle, PhD, M.Div.
Jennifer Fisher, M.Div – Launchpad Partners
